Gloomy but Iā€™m Grateful

Holidays can be extremely difficult for me. Some years, I breeze on through. Other years, whew I can barely make it. This holiday season seems to be ā€œI can barely make it.ā€ As a child, holidays felt fun, free, exciting.. as an adult.. not so much.

For Thanksgiving, I was going back and forth trying to decide whether to travel or stay home. A part of me was excited, duh, travel of course. The day of, I was not prepared for my emotions that would soon come. As soon as I opened my eyes, I instantly felt the absence of my mom for the holiday. Even through bouts of sadness and tears, I pressed on.

That night, while in a room full of people, I held back tears multiple times. Fighting to say present; to be grateful. I was aware that I was the only one showing up without a significant other or kids. Just me. Again. No parents, no significant other and no kids. Stay present, I kept reminding myself.

As I reflected over the night, I realized I was in a space where gratefulness and sadness both existed. And although it could be worse, I definitely wished it was better šŸ˜Š

-B