Holidays can be extremely difficult for me. Some years, I breeze on through. Other years, whew I can barely make it. This holiday season seems to be “I can barely make it.” As a child, holidays felt fun, free, exciting.. as an adult.. not so much.
For Thanksgiving, I was going back and forth trying to decide whether to travel or stay home. A part of me was excited, duh, travel of course. The day of, I was not prepared for my emotions that would soon come. As soon as I opened my eyes, I instantly felt the absence of my mom for the holiday. Even through bouts of sadness and tears, I pressed on.
That night, while in a room full of people, I held back tears multiple times. Fighting to say present; to be grateful. I was aware that I was the only one showing up without a significant other or kids. Just me. Again. No parents, no significant other and no kids. Stay present, I kept reminding myself.
As I reflected over the night, I realized I was in a space where gratefulness and sadness both existed. And although it could be worse, I definitely wished it was better 😊
I usually list my emergency contact as my sister or my best friend. In my mind it would be my husband by now but we know how that story went. Its not just my story. I love sharing my friends stories. It makes me feel like less of an outlier. It allows you to understand the common themes that take place. My brother drove 2 hours to mount my TVs. Probably should have been my husband. My friend had a nail in her tire. Her dad took her car to go get it fixed. She said she would have preferred it to be her husband. My friend said she was looking up someone to hang her curtains. She said she would have preferred it to be her husband.
I see and hear men say there arent quality women to date. I dont want to hear it. Miss me with the non sense. From where Im standing, there are too many quality women to go around. I was discussing with the girls about how we were taught to just do this the right way. Dont worry about a husband. Dont worry about a man. We all graduated college. Most of us have masters degrees. Some of us have doctorate degrees. We are at the height of our careers. Everyone makes at least 60k and even more. No children. Own place and can financially support ourselves. Emotionally intelligent. Beautiful. Well traveled. Selfless. Did I already mention no children? So nope I dont want to hear that there arent quality women. We did it right. We did it how our Moms and Aunts told us to do it. So why does it feel like its at a disadvantage? My friend said sometimes it feels like a disadvantage that we dont just turn a blind eye to the games and BS in dating. She’s right. As soon as we see a couple red flags, we cant stick around. Clearly the number of men vs women is already unbalanced. Then when you add in your preferences and standards, the options get fewer and fewer.
My aunts and uncles seem to have healthy marriages these days. But I know from the stories, it wasnt always like that. My aunts had to deal with a lot to get there. I asked my uncle when do men get it together and stop playing games. He literally looked at me and said around age 40 with a straight face. 40. He said 40. Nah I dont even have it in me to twirl my fingers for the next 8 years. * Big Eye Roll*
I seriously do the most. I didn’t learn this about myself until recently. Have you seen that meme that says “I dont like how I act when I like somebody.” That is definitely me. This year I’ve learned a hard lesson of staying true to who I am. This mantra does come with some cons. Staying true to who you are can also bring about some hurt. Nope, no one talks about that part. Story time of course…
I am a giver. I always have been a giver. My mom was a giver. I learned that from her. Any time she thought a person would love something, she would for sure buy it. Man, this has come to my detriment in some situations. For instance, last year, I was dating this guy. I love to get stuff for the man I’m interested in. *insert big eye roll here* Im annoyed with myself. Anyway, birthdays and holidays are a big deal for me. It’s always weird buying stuff for someone at the beginning. You cant go too hard because you arent at the level but you feel like you have to do something right? Well I just bought a couple small but thoughtful things. Chileee why in the world would I do that? Homeboy started acting up literally on his birthday. Acted up so bad, I had to just drop his gifts off. I should have just bought a dollar store card and called it a day!
I have a couple friends who feel that same. We are just givers. I have a guy friend who goes all out for the person he is interested in. I don’t ever get those type LOL. But again, sometimes it comes with disappointment. I get excited to get a person a gift. Especially if its thoughtful. Lets jump to present day. I bought this guy a gift for Father’s Day. I remember him showing me his favorite picture of his kids. So for the gift, I got the picture put on a dog tag for him. Man I thought the gift was superb. I checked with all of my guy friends. They said oh he’s going to love it, thats dope. This dude literally said “Oh thank you for the gift.” That’s it and that’s all. Welp after two lessons, I think I’m done on the gift giving. Clearly the guys I choose don’t appreciate it.
Lately there has been more recognition and discussion about friendship breakups. I am totally here for it. It’s a discussion that is way overdue. Unfortunately, ya girl has had her fair share of one too many friend break ups. I take my friends seriously. And I mean seriously. In my younger years, I used to come off so over bearing in friendships.
My first break up hurrrtt. My best friend from middle school. Although we went to different high schools, we didn’t miss a beat. We knew for sure we would go to the same college. Chilleee by the time we got to Hampton, (What’s up HU!) we weren’t even talking. She started hanging out with other girls and I felt like I just didn’t fit in her life anymore. Let’s put a pin in that one and we will come back.
Then I had another friendship break up with a girl from high school. We were close as well. We fell out because she started dating a guy who was no good for her and I couldn’t just sit back and watch him destroy my friend. Tough lesson for me. I think I may have come off judgmental. My protective nature couldn’t take it!
And thennnn I had another friendship break up with my college best friend. Chillee by this time, I was emotionally exhausted from friendship break ups. I had no more fight. We stopped talking for a while and tried it again. Sounds just like a romantic relationship huh? Well we fell out again.
I said that’s it. It was time for me to do some self-reflection. I was tired of losing close girlfriends who I genuinely loved. I told myself I was too over protective. Let these darn girls make mistakes just like you have to. And when they do, just be there for them. DUH I wish I would have told myself that 10 years ago. Also, I ask permission to give advice. Sometimes girlfriends just want to talk. An opinion is not needed every time. And last but not least, sis had to go to therapy. That was the last piece to the puzzle.
These days I tell my friends, if I did something to hurt your feelings, just tell me. Im too darn old to be losing any more friends. It’s hard to make friends at my age LOL.
But some things are worth fighting for. My best friend from middle school and I reconciled. It wasn’t easy but it was so worth it. I pray I never have to lose a GF every again.
Collided Thoughts 