I came across this video posted by comedian David Arnold on Instagram. He told a story about how he ended up in couples counseling over an argument about oatmeal! I laughed so hard because that is seriously how it happens sometimes. The last straw may seem so petty!
I ended up in couples counseling over toilet paper! No lie. The toilet paper was the argument that broke the camels back. Let me paint the picture. We were watching a movie and he went to the bathroom. He went to grab the toilet paper but was annoyed that I accidentally bought paper towels instead of toilet paper. Oh Baby! He was sooo mad. He wanted me to leave the house at 8 at night in the winter to get him some toilet paper pronto. Nah fam. I wasnt doing that. You all know that its gets pitch black dark at 3p in the winter. Besides, we were watching a movie. So I suggested that he go downstairs to the lobby and use the restroom. Nope, homeboy wasnt having it. So we ended up arguing because I wouldn’t go to the store and he wouldn’t go downstairs. Needless to say, the night was ruined. And that, ladies and gentlemen had us in front of a therapist.
I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into when we went to therapy. Therapy was his idea actually. Im a social worker so I was totally in agreement with going. But chilleee someone should have told me to buckle up for that ride. I literally had no idea that our relationship was in such turmoil. Hanging on by a thread. Im pretty sure I cried at every darn session for months. I thought we would go, talk about feelings, chat it up. Nah son. Sis had us pulling back layers and layers. Hurtful things were said. But a lot of healing was done.
You have to be emotionally prepared for this. I was not. Its a safe space for both partners to express how they feel. Ask yourself some questions before going. Give yourself a pep talk that you will be receptive to what your partner says even though it may cut deep. And most importantly, you have to commit to doing the work. In the future, Ill talk about some exercises we did. Keep tuning in.
I’ve had my share of tough break ups. But as I get older, things arent as black and white as they used to be. When I was younger, I could walk away from a relationship and not even think about looking back. My cut-off game was REAL. Now, things arent that easy. My friends and I have had countless of conversations about when should you be patient and when should you let go.
We talk to each other about weighing the pros and cons. Finding compatible people seems to be extremely difficult these days. Yeah, you could go on countless of dates but that gets old. And fast. In my time of singleness, I started to get annoyed sitting on the other side of a table with a guy and Im thinking WTF is he even talking about. Or what is he looking at because his eye contact is horrible. BORING.
That brings me back so our discussion of how do you make the decision of being patient with someone verses just letting them go. One of my friends has a really good connection with a guy. The conversation is awesome. It flows freely. The connection is there. Boom. The drive to push each other is there. Jackpot. They have fun and can share intimate details. That’s also a win. So what’s the problem?! BABY! These men have commitment issues. You can check all the boxes and still find that something is missing. So should she walk away or stick around and be patient for him to get it together? Walking away may be easy for you to say unless your heart is involved.
Here is my take. I don’t have all of the answers but I know for sure my peace means the world to me. If you are disrupting my peace, then I cannot wait. Losing sleep, feeling unsure of myself and all the rest that goes with that AHT AHT. Gotta go.
Also I have to step back and assess the internal work you are doing. I ask myself, what am I waiting for you to do? Where is the goal mark and what does it look like? Is that something I want to wait for you to do? Or are you just stringing me along with no real end goal? After asking and answering these questions, things become more clear.
Regardless, you can talk to your friends to get their opinions until you are blue in the face. But let me tell you, when you’ve had enough, you’ve had enough. Your heart will scream, its time to go.
Lately there has been more recognition and discussion about friendship breakups. I am totally here for it. It’s a discussion that is way overdue. Unfortunately, ya girl has had her fair share of one too many friend break ups. I take my friends seriously. And I mean seriously. In my younger years, I used to come off so over bearing in friendships.
My first break up hurrrtt. My best friend from middle school. Although we went to different high schools, we didn’t miss a beat. We knew for sure we would go to the same college. Chilleee by the time we got to Hampton, (What’s up HU!) we weren’t even talking. She started hanging out with other girls and I felt like I just didn’t fit in her life anymore. Let’s put a pin in that one and we will come back.
Then I had another friendship break up with a girl from high school. We were close as well. We fell out because she started dating a guy who was no good for her and I couldn’t just sit back and watch him destroy my friend. Tough lesson for me. I think I may have come off judgmental. My protective nature couldn’t take it!
And thennnn I had another friendship break up with my college best friend. Chillee by this time, I was emotionally exhausted from friendship break ups. I had no more fight. We stopped talking for a while and tried it again. Sounds just like a romantic relationship huh? Well we fell out again.
I said that’s it. It was time for me to do some self-reflection. I was tired of losing close girlfriends who I genuinely loved. I told myself I was too over protective. Let these darn girls make mistakes just like you have to. And when they do, just be there for them. DUH I wish I would have told myself that 10 years ago. Also, I ask permission to give advice. Sometimes girlfriends just want to talk. An opinion is not needed every time. And last but not least, sis had to go to therapy. That was the last piece to the puzzle.
These days I tell my friends, if I did something to hurt your feelings, just tell me. Im too darn old to be losing any more friends. It’s hard to make friends at my age LOL.
But some things are worth fighting for. My best friend from middle school and I reconciled. It wasn’t easy but it was so worth it. I pray I never have to lose a GF every again.
I know I will probably step on some toes with this one. Let me first just say that this is not a post to man bash. Just follow me.
I know I don’t have children but I am always planning ahead, thinking about the future. I like to have thought provoking conversations often. I had a conversation with a guy I was dating. He already had a child. I always found it interesting that men insist on the child having the fathers last name, although he never married the child’s mother.
Anywho, back to his guy. We had a hypothetical conversation one day about us having a child and the child automatically receiving his last name. See, I am kind of opposed to that. Most times, the child lives primarily with the mother if the relationship doesn’t work. The mother is the one going to Drs appts, making and receiving calls, going to the school and is the emergency contact. I don’t know how other mom’s feel, but I don’t want to have 2-3 kids in my house with all different last names. Maybe it doesn’t bother some people. But if the relationship doesn’t work out, and I decide to have children with someone else, then the new guy also feels entitled for my child to have his last name. No sir. This is too complicated for me. So it’s ok for the guy to have all his children having the same last name even if he isn’t the primary parent? It’s actually a conversation that I have with men who I am serious about. I set the standard and let them know that if you want your child to have the same last name as you, then you very well better make sure his/her mother carries that same last name. So it’s on you… partna.
Ooo I’m shaking the table. Leave your comments below 😉
One afternoon during quarantine, I was having another in-depth conversation with one of my closest girlfriends. See, our conversations can go on for hours at a time. She’s a psychologist by trade, and I, chose the field of social work. Somehow, we started discussing if we considered ourselves to be private people and how we viewed each other. She viewed herself as an open book and I thought the same of myself. Ironically, we both thought the other was private. It’s always interesting to get an understanding how others view you from time to time. We’ve been girlfriends for years. Even were roommates in college. I told her “Girl we’ve known each other too long. We have to ask some new people.”
That’s when the epiphany hit us. When is the last time we’ve had a new friend? A new close friend? How are we showing up in the world? Are we showing up as the people we want to be? When you first meet someone, how do you want them to view you?
I immediately had to get my new girlfriend’s opinion. We’ve been friends for about a year. I asked her did she consider me a private person. She paused and thought for a little. She said she didn’t think that of me and figured I wouldn’t share anything of importance if I was private. To me, I heard that she felt connected. That we built a pretty solid friendship. I thought about the times we spent together and the things we did. Like how she showed up for me for Mother’s Day and I showed up for her for Father’s Day. We both lost our parents some years ago. Yup, that’s how I want to show up in the world. I want to be there for my friends in their difficult times. So ask yourself, are you showing up like you want to? Are there improvements you can make? Then, don’t wait. Start making the adjustments necessary.
My name is Brittany. I decided to create this blog because writing was always my first love. Not writing in a sense of a paper, but creative writing. I enjoy writing about the topics that are near and dear to my heart. I enjoy deep thoughts and abstract emotions. It’s my connection with myself and others. I may not have any answers but I hope this blog will help you to think beyond the surface level as well. Enjoy!