Tag: friends

So You Say I’m Just a Friend??

by B. Hayes

The latest conversation on social media is “should you have friends of the opposite gender while in a relationship?” My initial answer is yes, you should have friends of the opposite gender. I have always been able to have great platonic relationships with men. It has worked in my favor most times. There have been countless times where I needed the male perspective. It’s evident that men and women don’t always speak the same language.

I was having a conversation with a male friend. He agrees having platonic friends of the opposite gender is important. He said if he mentions to his guy friends that he’s having relationship issues, they will likely brush it off and encourage him to go out, which may lead to talking to other women.

But having a female friend that he trust would encourage the opposite. She’s going to tell you the consequences of your actions.

My brother was sharing with me the other day a conversation he was having with a woman. He was a little frustrated with her response. I said what she’s trying to say is “I’m being vulnerable and this is hard for me. You didn’t meet me emotionally when I was vulnerable so I’m taking it back”. He said mannn that’s all she had to say lol. Again men and women don’t speak the same language.

Have there been times where a friend might cross a boundary? Of course. But I will communicate that offense and take a step back from the friendship if I need to.

I encourage you to get a good trusting friend. Honestly, it will help shape and shift your perspective. Tell me what you think in the comments.

-B

Please Don’t Terminate this Pregnancy

by B. Hayes

My new favorite podcast to watch or listen to is “Know For Sure” with B Simone and her best friend Megan. I get exhausted with the constant relationship talk so this podcast is a good break. In one episode, B Simone and Megan get really deep.

They begin to recount how B Simone decided to terminate her pregnancy. B Simone vividly recalls the people outside, her emotions and the noises. She says there was an intense moment where she tells Megan to just look at her and don’t take her eyes off of her.

As Megan tells her perspective, she reveals that she never agreed with her best friend for terminating the pregnancy. She discusses how judgmental she felt but had to put her feelings to the side.

Here is what I’ve been learning as I get older. We are now in place where making permanent decisions like these will for sure alter the trajectory of our lives. Personally, it’s always such an internal battle to watch a close friend make a life altering decision if I strongly disagree with it. As I watched the segment, I admired Megan’s support although in disagreement. Megan said she didn’t give her opinion because her mind was made up. There wasn’t any room to convince her.

I thought that was very profound and a good take away. Support your friends when their mind is made up without giving your unsolicited opinion.

How do you handle supporting your friends when you don’t agree with their decisions?

-B

Healthy Friendships ALL 2022

by B. Hayes

I love the maturity that’s happening in my friendships. Friendships can be just as much work as romantic relationships. What I learned is, sometimes your friends dont need your advice. I try really really hard not to give my unsolicited advice to my friends. You can be an active listener and be supportive without giving advice. One of my friends always makes a joke and says “I literally have to ask you for your opinion or you will be on mute.” Listen I’ve been through a couple of friendship break ups and I don’t have the emotional capacity anymore to break up with nobody’s daughter!

I dont know when this started but recently I noticed my friends and I will call each other and say “What are you doing because I just need to vent.” Pay attention to these words because that’s an indication of saying Im not asking for advice, just listen. The key is to really listen to what they need in the moment. You will also know when they need advice too. My sister will say “Now listen to this story and tell me if I’m wrong.” Thats is clear that she wants advice. Sometimes it’s not clear and I have to say are you asking for my opinion?

Am I the drama??

One thing we need to be ok with, is not knowing. I try not to make up an opinion if I dont have one. My favorite line is girl dont ask me because I dont know. Especially about these men and relationships. Girl dont ask me because I dont know. Just the blind trying to lead the blind. Trying these techniques are not easy. Its hard because we are protective over our friends but my friendships mean a lot to me and I like to keep it that way.

Tell me what you think in the comments!

-B

It Feels Like “Me” Season

by B. Hayes

I met up with a friend who came into town. I literally haven’t seen him in years. I knew he would come to my city sometimes, but we would never link up. One day we were finally able to get together after years of not hanging out. It was really like we never missed a beat. We could talk for hours if we had the time.

After we were heading out for the night, I told him to let me know any time he’s around so we could hang out. He said something to me that made me have an epiphany. He said oh I don’t know you in this light to always hang out. He said I only know you inside of a relationship where you go to work, grind and go home. Yup he’s right.

Women always talk about losing themselves in a relationship. This is how that happens. I wasn’t going out as much as I do now. I also didn’t have as many local friends as well. But I became used to a routine. I was still trying to find my niche. I worked really hard to get here.

One of my girlfriends is in the same space now. But she’s doing it right. She was able to recognize that she desired a life outside of her relationship. She communicated this to her partner and is actively working to hang out more and do the things she enjoys outside of him. The knowledge we gain as we nature is so amazing. Cheers to doing more of what we desire in 2022!

-B

If they wanted to, they would

by B. Hayes

Generalizations makes my skin itch. Everything is not always “all or nothing”. People are complex. I know the dating scene is less than stellar right now but sheesh. This is where I mostly see this saying “if they wanted to, they would.” Well, hold on a minute. Are there instances where people don’t show up like you expect them to? Sure. But life is hard to manage sometimes and that is also true.

Story time. My best friend went on deployment for 6 months. I literally felt like she was moving away and leaving me for good. Anyway, she loves cheez its. So I had this grand plan that I was going to ship her a care package. It was going to be an “everything orange” theme. I was thinking of all this stuff I was going to buy to put in the box. I even went to a womens seminar and got an extra copy of the audio to send to her. I legit missed her. Chillleee let me tell you, I never sent her a darn thing. Home girl was gone for six months and I didnt sent not one care package. The next time I looked up, she was already back home!! Trust me, I wanted to and I didnt. I am grateful she didnt hold a grudge towards me because I really felt like I dropped the ball as her best friend.

One thing we have to constantly remind ourselves is that everyone is trying to figure things out just like we are. Dont just conclude that If they wanted to, they would. Have an open dialogue. Express your concerns maturely. I have to constantly remind myself that people need grace. This is not an excuse to let people take advantage of you but to release you from holding a grudge. They didnt. Thats it. And thats ok too. My new mantra is leave space for people to be human. Let me know what you think.

-B

Im not intimidating, you’re just intimidated

by B. Hayes

I’m all for women empowerment but some things just need to be discussed. There is a post circulating on social media. It says “I’m not intimidating, you’re just intimidated.” Hmm, but what if you are intimidating? Could that be a possibility? I’m forever a student of growing and learning to be the best version of myself. I try to be open about criticism. For example, in two weeks time, two people said I was over whelming. If more than one person describes me in the same way, then I have to sit back and do some self reflection. I love hearing guys talk. I have tons of guy friends and we can talk for hours about the disconnect between men and women. Ladies, I hate to be the one to bring the news but we can be intimidating.

A couple weeks ago, I was sitting at the bar by myself. This guy and I started talking. About 30 mins into the conversation, he said when I sat down, he thought I was stern and meant business. I said dang thats not the energy I was trying to convey. I thought I would be seen as approachable and free. NOPE. I dont know about you, but I dont want to be seen as intimidating. I want to give off fun, free spirit, approachable, and loving. I want my energy to give off good vibes even before you have a conversation with me.

This brings me to another point. I personally dont get mad when people say smile. I might apologize and say sorry I was just in my thoughts. Why do we get mad when people suggest that we smile? I dont want to walk around looking mean all the time. I dont want to have a face that says “Dont dare say sh*t to me.”

I see a lot of post asking how do we make friends as adults. Trust me, adjusting your energy can be a start. Dont take offense when people ask, why do you look so mean. My sister said to me that I just make friends anywhere. She’s right. Because I intentionally try to be nice and approachable.

I’m not saying completely change who you are, but we can all make small adjustments to be better versions of ourselves.

-B

Move away they said…

by B. Hayes

Have you seen that Tik Tok that says “That was the best idea I ever had” then 2 seconds later it says ” That was the worst idea I ever had!” Thats exactly what moving far away from home can feel like. Its definitely a roller coaster ride. There is this meme that everyone is posting on social media; encouraging to move away and it will be the best decision of your life. Well that’s a tad overzealous. It may not feel like that at first. Moving to a new city is challenging. The hardest part is leaving your support system. I moved away from home 5 years a ago (Not counting college). I would have anxious thoughts about what if my car breaks down, who will I call? What if I get into an accident, how am I going to figure that out?

One of the biggest adjustments is trying to get a positive social life. Who do you hang out with after work? Or on the weekends? Its hard to make friends as an adult. Everyone is having this struggle. When I first moved, I felt so out of place. I was beyond ready to have local friends. I started going to meet ups. This was trial and error in itself. Although I met other women at happy hours and the movies, I didn’t necessarily find anyone that I connected with. We struggled to have common passions and interest. Our personalities didnt click. Most of my local friends came from work. That’s where I found my tribe. We clearly already had work in common so there was a connection there. I would say, be patient and creative. Look up organizations in your area that might interest you. What about your local alumni chapter? I also volunteered as a troop leader for Girl Scouts and met a friend there.

I didnt feel like I made the right decision until I started making permanent changes for myself. Once I found a church home that I loved, I felt more grounded. Its something about a great church with great people that gives me balance and peace.

Also, my family and friends from out of town came to visit me often. This helped with the transition. But lets be clear, there are many days where I questioned did I make the right decision. I would come home from work and go right to sleep on the couch. This came up in my therapy session one day. She told me I was probably had functional depression at the time. I had no idea. Couldnt even recognize it. It took about a year for me to get used to the adjustment.

If you are deciding to move, go into it with realistic expectations. Its not easy, but it may be worth it.

-B

Girl Get You Some Boundaries!

by B. Hayes

Hey yall! Its been a while. So Sorry! Holidays, New Year, activities, volunteering, planning, the list goes on. Lets get to it! Story Time!!

I say all the time that value my relationships. Even ex romantic relationships. Although a romantic relationship may end badly, somehow we still end up being friends years later. Its a gift and a curse. But you have to know how to have good boundaries. Ah boundaries. My favorite. One of my strengths is being a good listener. Chile, these men test my listening skills often. A couple months ago I received a call from an ex that I hadnt heard from in years. I was out with my family but I stepped away to answer it because we hadnt talked in forever. I really just answered to have a 30 second conversation and then tell him I would call him later. NOPE! Homeboy ended up talking about his issues with his children, baby mom issues work issues and the list goes on. How do you call someone and just dump your issues on to them like that?! I was in public so I was choosing my words carefully. Trying not to offend him. Quickly told him I was out with family and that I had to go. Of course he apologized but he also was inconsiderate and didnt ask if I could talk before he unloaded his problems.

Fast forward to a couple days later, he texted me asking if I had time to talk. Ok, better. I responded that we could talk but I did not have the emotional capacity to be his therapist tonight. Boom. Ladies and Gents that is effectively how you set boundaries. The first conversation he caught me off guard. I was prepared this time.

We have to be careful to not others weigh us down. Too many times, my friends and I trade stories about men who will randomly call and then all of sudden you feel weighed down by their problems. I cant carry your emotional baggage sir. I have my own.

I guess youre wondering what did the guy say when I told him I couldnt be his therapist? He said danngg I wasnt calling to do that. Why would you say that? I told him how thats exactly what happened the last time and I wasnt going to allow it to happen again. We talked about other things and the conversation went smoothly.

Setting boundaries doesnt come easy. It takes practice and some feelings may get hurt. Remember to always say things in love and kindness.

-B