Tag: dating

Like you with Limits

by B. Hayes

I’m obviously no stranger to the dating scene. Very well versed actually. I’ve been single for about… well let’s not count. Anyway my core group has noticed some trends in our conversations lately.

Our conversations begin “remember when”? Remember when you used to be so excited to see a guy that you just had to stop by even if only for 5 minutes because you missed him that much? Or “remember when” you would just go out and enjoy spending time together doing a bunch of nothing? Or “remember when” a guy actually liked you and you would meet his family? It’s a lot of things on the list that we remember.. and it just isn’t happening anymore. Oh you think it’s just my friends huh?

Nope, it’s actually a bad cycle happening to everyone. There are tons of tik toks about the disconnection that’s happening in the dating phase. Lots of memes saying “if you aren’t ready for her, just leave her alone”.

The constant cycle

Oh you think the women are man bashing? Nope. A guy made a tik tok saying let’s just get married and we can date after because dating before marriage just isn’t working. 🤣

Everyone is exhausted. Tired. Fed up. Even me. So many people are carrying hurt from life experiences and not giving the next person a clean slate or lacking the mature communication skills to be honest. I also hear there’s a huge lack of vulnerability on both sides.

So everyone is walking around with limits. I can only “like you with a limit” because I’ve seen some things that make my emotions halt. I can’t trust you fully now or be vulnerable. My friend said “I like him but he’s so inconsistent, I can’t go all in.” That has been the experience of a lot of women.

Are you experiencing this too? How’s the dating world where you are?

I can only give the woman’s perspective so men, add your perspective too. 😊

-B

Wifey Duties

by B. Hayes

My new favorite podcast is “Nice and Neat”. They had an episode talking about wifey duties. They usually dont miss the mark but I definitely wanted to grab a mic and interrupt quite a few times. The question was should women do wifey duties for a man who isnt her husband. Of course they said yes. They continue on about how women complain they arent cooking or cleaning for a man before marriage. They say that’s usually what women include in wifey duties. Here is where I would like to add a new perspective. Most of us arent talking about cooking and cleaning when we are discussing wifey duties. Thats surface level. Lets get deeper. We are talking about joining finances and lives. We are saying we arent willing to put our names on shared bills. We arent willing to go half on a house with a boyfriend. We arent willing to be the peacemaker between you and your childs mother. Its way bigger than I dont want to cook or clean for you. Half of us prefer to cook and clean for men. We have to eat ourselves anyway.

On the flip side, men shouldnt be willing to do things for girlfriends when they are their husbands either. Men shouldnt be co-signing for cars, adding her to his medical insurance, and pay large amounts in her bills. I bet most men would say they arent giving the password to their phone to someone who isnt their wife. I know people say well nothing will change after marriage anyway. I dont want that for my life. I want us to level up when we get married. I want to feel like we entered a new dimension when we get married. Be a leader of our household. Take pride in knowing you have a responsibility to take care of your wife. I want to also take pride in taking care of my husband. I know that his favor from God belongs to me. Thats not anything I take lightly. So nah, Im not doing wifey duties before marriage when it includes the list above. Toodles!!

-B

Don’t Settle for Safe

by B. Hayes

There’s a new show on Netflix that has my wheels spinning. The main character Billy finds herself in a safe loving marriage with 2 kids. She starts to reminisce about her wild days in the city as a graduate student when she could stay out all night and still attend class in the morning. Present day, she starts to journal about her deep thrilling romance with her ex and how exhilarating she felt when she was with him. She struggles internally with trying to find solace and appreciation for her current marriage and new mom life. She feels lost and not of herself. She spends countless hours thinking and obsessing about her ex. You can feel her frustration of herself through the screen. She has it all. Handsome husband, 2 kids, big house, wealth, cars, you name it. She just cant seem to figure out after 8 years why she is obsessing about a love that is long lost.

Here’s my take on it. I havent reached the end of the show so I dont know how its going to play out but follow along. Life gets very routine with running a household, taking care of the kids and having a husband. People get upset when women complain that a man is boring but provides everything else. Life should still be fun, exciting and thrilling even in a marriage. She lost herself. She looked in the mirror and couldnt understand how things got to that point. She missed the spice. She missed the moments of unpredictability. But she felt like she couldnt complain to her husband because he was providing such a good life. When the husband found out, he said he was her safe option. That he was the good boy for her. I can see his point in that.

Dont get me wrong, I’m not saying she wants the “bad boy” either, she just wants to feel alive again. Fulfilled. Im no expert but life is about balance. Some women want the guy who is gentle and takes care of her heart but also with a little edge. Just like men say they want a freak in sheets and lady in the streets. Same concept. We just dont have a catchy phrase lol

Continue reading “Don’t Settle for Safe” →

It Feels Like “Me” Season

by B. Hayes

I met up with a friend who came into town. I literally haven’t seen him in years. I knew he would come to my city sometimes, but we would never link up. One day we were finally able to get together after years of not hanging out. It was really like we never missed a beat. We could talk for hours if we had the time.

After we were heading out for the night, I told him to let me know any time he’s around so we could hang out. He said something to me that made me have an epiphany. He said oh I don’t know you in this light to always hang out. He said I only know you inside of a relationship where you go to work, grind and go home. Yup he’s right.

Women always talk about losing themselves in a relationship. This is how that happens. I wasn’t going out as much as I do now. I also didn’t have as many local friends as well. But I became used to a routine. I was still trying to find my niche. I worked really hard to get here.

One of my girlfriends is in the same space now. But she’s doing it right. She was able to recognize that she desired a life outside of her relationship. She communicated this to her partner and is actively working to hang out more and do the things she enjoys outside of him. The knowledge we gain as we nature is so amazing. Cheers to doing more of what we desire in 2022!

-B

Bob the builder

by B. Hayes

Why are relationships so hard these days? Lets talk about it. I listen to Krew Season podcast a lot. Its about four well rounded men who give their perspectives on the culture, dating and relationships. It seems like dating has become extremely difficult on both sides of the aisle. Its difficult for men and women who all have valid points. My friend was expressing her frustrations the other day and said “dang I just want to find my person and just build with them. They dont have to have everything, but lets build together”.

That brings me back to the original question of why is it so hard to date these days? Someone asked this on the Krew Season podcast. One of the men made a good point. Its a tad easier to date and trust someone when youre younger and you both dont have anything. Maybe youre in college, you both are broke. No one has bigger status than the other and youre on equal playing field. These days everyone has status and has been able to build a pretty comfortable lifestyle for themselves independently. Rightfully so.

But when you date someone who has accomplished so much on their own, it makes it difficult to stick in the mud and build together. Build what exactly? Most people are in their 30s, make enough money and have a comfortable lifestyle. I have friends who own businesses, have doctorate degrees, are in upper management and own real estate. It’s difficult to find where you fit in to someone’s life when you can clearly see that they dont need you for a darn thing. How do you build a solid foundation?

I can only speak from my experience but it was much more simple when we didnt have as much. Now if you meet someone and you both own your house, the argument is who will move? The person who makes the least? The person who doesnt have children? Who makes the sacrifice? Who takes the risk?

The guy who shared his opinion on the podcast suggested that if you can find your person early in life, thats the best option. For the rest of us, there isnt any hope LOL.

Leave comments to tell me what you think

-B

Friends with my ex

by B. Hayes

Should you be friends with your ex? Hmm let’s talk about it. I think it depends on you as a person and the ex as a person. Outside of a relationship, Im good at being friends with my significant other first. Shockingly, I am literally friends with all of my exes. Even the ones that we have had bad break ups, we still communicate today. Back in my immature days, I may have messed up an ex clothes. He told me to never contact him again. Well he lied and still calls me 🤣🤣. The married ones, the ones currently in a relationship, the singles ones, they all call.

When I start dating someone, I am very upfront about my friendships with my exes. In return, I make sure to keep them up to speed when I am dating someone. They adjust to the rules and boundaries. Listen, dont call me after a certain time and we stay away from certain topics. They give me advice about dating and I provide my perspective to them. It just works. They all served a purpose in my life and were there at pivotal points. Im not ending a relationship that was important to me for a new one. When my mom passed away, they showed up. When I started this blog, they supported me. They like, comment, and give their opinion. Oh and give me ideas to blog about when we argue.

One time, I tried to cut off a friend for a relationship because he felt uncomfortable. That friend was there for me when my best friend died in college and when my aunt died. But my current boyfriend at the time felt uncomfortable. So I distanced myself from the friend. Clearly the guy and I ended up breaking up. I felt like a fool for cutting my friend off. Lesson learned, I will never do that again.

Can you be friends with your ex? Let me know

-B

Am I settling or Am I Compromising?

by B. Hayes

This subject here is one that constantly troubles me. I find myself going back and forth trying to decipher the difference. How do we know when we are compromising instead of settling? Well I sure dont know. So you know what I had to do. I had to ask my married experts what did they think. My career advisor and I had a discussion briefly about relationships. Every time I even mention the word settle she will instantly correct me and say compromise. In her words, you are going to compromise in some way. No one is perfect and we need to leave space for a real person.

Constant Confusion

I remember having a similar conversation with someone else. She gave an example of her own life. She said when she met her husband, she was already financially stable and independent. However, her husband was living at home and working on his next degree. This scenario worked out for them obviously. She said to some people I settled but it was the best decision ever for me. Her husband made promises to complete school and provide for their family in the future. That’s exactly what he did.

When she decided to make a career change, he was able to provide for their family comfortably as he promised. To her; she compromised and it was beyond worth it. She explained that settling would be listening to someone promise you future plans with no plan in place.

I recently saw a video where a lady said settling means you have to compromise too much to be with them. You will compromise so much that it takes away from your happiness. I can understand her point of view but that’s too black and white for me. Relationships are hard work and you won’t always be happy. So then what should you do?

Tell me what you think??

-B

Is my baggage over 50lbs??

by B. Hayes

I promised to write this post a while ago but my thoughts wouldn’t align. I already know this one will be real vulnerable for me. I promised to write about the intimate conversation that I had with my mentor. Although I will share some things, others I will keep to myself for obvious reasons. I had this conversation with her more than a week ago and I just couldn’t figure out how to write this out.

I couldn’t get my thoughts together to make this post come full circle in my mind before typing. I still haven’t been able to do so; so let’s wing it 😊

We all know how I despise the dating scene right now. That’s for sure not a secret. Let’s be clear, I enjoy a good hot girl summer but I am NOT for the streets! I’m trying to be in the house before the street lights come on. Anywho, I met my mentor for breakfast one morning. I haven’t seen her in more than a year, definitely before COVID.

She asked me how dating was going because, well, the people know ya girl is not for the streets. I told her my concerns and how my friends share the same sentiments. Some of these guys just don’t date anymore. Every once in a while you might find one who will actually plan a date and do the reservations but mostly from what I hear that’s not happening. She literally sat across from me, looked me right in my face and told me, well why don’t you plan the date? Excuse me what ma’am?! You would like me to do what? You mean me… you want me as the woman to plan the first date. What part of the game is this?! And when did married women start giving out this atrocious advice?

Guess what? Married women definitely give out this advice. Very often. I’m pretty sure my married cousin gave me this same advice in July. Of course I didn’t do it; I’m hard headed. My other married mentor I met with in the middle of august said the same thing. But here’s the thing, married women aren’t speaking on large platforms to give this advice out. Culture would have us to believe that we are the prize and the man is supposed to do this, and do that.. and if he doesn’t… girl pack ya stuff and run because you deserve better. If he won’t, the next man will! Isn’t that what culture says? Isn’t that all over social media. We’ve been brainwashed.

Gotta Go!!

Culture would have us to believe everything comes in a pretty bow and if it doesn’t, move on. No one stays planted to do the work anymore. That definitely has been my problem. I had this false narrative that sir you have to come in the complete packaging. I don’t want to assemble. Here’s another gem she shared. She said everyone comes with baggage. Being married is finding your person to keep helping you unpack your baggage. She repacks it sometimes and her husband is right beside her unpacking it. I’m sure she does the same for him. Yup, I had this thing all wrong. Don’t call me for advice. I’m trying to figure it out too LOL

-B

Healing is a Journey

by B. Hayes

For the past couple of weeks, actually a couple of months, I’ve been in a transition in my life. I haven’t felt grounded. I’ve felt an increase in my anxious thoughts. Fast forward, I concluded that my anxious thoughts were tied to friendships and dating. I was talking to my mentor about this guy I was dating and how things were more challenging than I was willing to sign up for. We talked things through and she helped me look at the big picture. She stated, this guy is in your life for a reason and you have to ask God to show you why.

In the meantime, I have been following a trauma therapist on TikTok (somymomsatherapist) and she has great content. She talks about anxious thoughts and how things are uncomfortable in the beginning of dating someone. She helped me realize that I was having anxiety because my body was holding onto pain from past experiences. To be transparent, when I would text or call this guy and wouldnt hear back for hours, my body was going into protective mode. My brain would run negative scenarios and my body would believe that to be true. She (the therapist) explained how our body holds on to trauma history. So if in the past, a guy was unfaithful, you will fill in the trauma history at this moment. (This does not mean you arent over your past relationship either). This is exactly what I was doing. So she talks about regulating your body. You have to recognize that overly thinking about it wont help so you have to engage your brain elsewhere.

This has definitely been quite a challenge for me. I’ve noticed that lately one sign of discomfort and I am out. When people talking about fight, flight or freeze I am taking the flight every single time. I also like this therapist content because she is realistic. She talks about how everything isnt black and white. I love that because it sure isnt. Most people will post on social media to run at the first sign of a red flag. There are usually a ton of people in the comments sayin YASS sis! Thats RIGHT! They know what they are doing! In actuality, running at the first sign of discomfort is actually a trauma response.

Im pretty impulsive at the beginning of dating until I feel security and honestly that takes time. I’ve done some things and said some things that I should have thought through. Because my anxiety says NAH WE OUT, RUN! But Im learning to stop and give it time. I have to train my mind to look at the whole picture and not just the solo situation. To see if I feel the same way two days later. Most times I dont. To come full circle, he’s in my life because I needed to heal this part of me.

Hope this can help you.

-B

Date ‘Em All SIS!!

by B. Hayes

There’s this saying going around. Date em all sis. I get it. The women just want to level the playing field with the men. I truly understand. To a certain point, I agree, you should date them all. But Im also practical and realistic. My question is, who exactly are you dating? Because I like to date men who are in my league. I like to date with intention. So when I add those factors, I just cant date them all. At the beginning, it makes sense. Maybe the first 2-3 months you are dating multiple people. Eventually, I would think you would start making some cuts. At this prime age, why keep people around who you dont want to build and grow with. This guy said he was talking to multiple women but most of them are annoying. Excuse me what sir? Why keep annoying women around? To say you have a roster? I dont get it . Furthermore, don’t keep people around for place holders. That’s how people get hurt.

If I’m dating multiple people past 3 month, eventually someone is going to take the number one spot. Then I will get annoyed when the other person calls because what do you want? LOL That’s why it’s important to be honest and just let people go. I have literally read desperate text messages from women begging men to spend time with them. If you know you dont see any type of future with them, just say that. We dont give people enough credit. The person will respect you more for your honesty. Unfortunately, its a dog eat dog world out here for these and women are sticking around for a lot of stuff. That’s another story for another day.

Back to my point, if you are dating with intention, then Im not sure how date em all sis will play out. I dont have the answers Sway, I just know what works for me. Typically I know by the second date if I can keep you around or not. Otherwise, lets not waste each others time.

-B