It will be fun they said! I dont know if you have been in this dating scene the last couple of years but its not as fun as you would imagine. This is not only my opinion but the opinion of most of my friends. Maybe dating in our younger years was easier but when you are dating with intention, this comes as a challenge. I dont have the girlfriends who are just dating men to get a free meal. We dont do that. Power to those who do but that’s not us. We can afford to feed ourselves. Honestly. My girlfriends and I are looking for men to have fun with, share experiences and build a genuine connection. Sounds easy but it has been everything but easy.
Lets use some examples shall we?? I will change all names to make sure all identities are protected. Ashley went on a date with a guy. They matched on a dating app. This guy showed up and didnt have any teeth. He literally didnt have any teeth!! Like seriously. Now before you go judging asking how did she miss this? Who at this tender age is thinking someone doesnt have teeth! Lets move on.
Jackie went on two dates with a guy. After the second date, she felt pretty comfortable to invite him in her house for a glass of wine. As they are sitting on the couch talking, he takes her shoe off and attempts to put her big toe in his mouth! This is the second date. Yup.
My friend Brandy was dating a guy. The third date he goes to her house. She asked him what movie did he want to watch. This guy says Pinocchio. Yup no typo. It is the year 2021 and he is well into his 30s and suggest Pinocchio as a movie. Yes she watched it because she said she hadn’t seen it but girl! I should have warned you, that wasn’t it sis. Of course that didn’t work out.
Sometimes you find yourself going on date after date after date with men and it gets beyond exhausting. You have to weed out the weirdos and weed out the guys who just want to have sex. Ill share a personal story. I went on two dates with this guy. He was ok. I was still trying to fill him out. It wasn’t deep chemistry or anything. We had not kissed. Barely touched. The second date, he asked me “What’s the craziest thing you ever said during sex?” Excuse me what sir? Nothing about our interaction should have suggested he should feel comfortable asking that. Nope he didnt make it.
Some of my married friends say they wish they could date again. Ma’am no you do not. This aint what you want.
I came across this video posted by comedian David Arnold on Instagram. He told a story about how he ended up in couples counseling over an argument about oatmeal! I laughed so hard because that is seriously how it happens sometimes. The last straw may seem so petty!
I ended up in couples counseling over toilet paper! No lie. The toilet paper was the argument that broke the camels back. Let me paint the picture. We were watching a movie and he went to the bathroom. He went to grab the toilet paper but was annoyed that I accidentally bought paper towels instead of toilet paper. Oh Baby! He was sooo mad. He wanted me to leave the house at 8 at night in the winter to get him some toilet paper pronto. Nah fam. I wasnt doing that. You all know that its gets pitch black dark at 3p in the winter. Besides, we were watching a movie. So I suggested that he go downstairs to the lobby and use the restroom. Nope, homeboy wasnt having it. So we ended up arguing because I wouldn’t go to the store and he wouldn’t go downstairs. Needless to say, the night was ruined. And that, ladies and gentlemen had us in front of a therapist.
I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into when we went to therapy. Therapy was his idea actually. Im a social worker so I was totally in agreement with going. But chilleee someone should have told me to buckle up for that ride. I literally had no idea that our relationship was in such turmoil. Hanging on by a thread. Im pretty sure I cried at every darn session for months. I thought we would go, talk about feelings, chat it up. Nah son. Sis had us pulling back layers and layers. Hurtful things were said. But a lot of healing was done.
You have to be emotionally prepared for this. I was not. Its a safe space for both partners to express how they feel. Ask yourself some questions before going. Give yourself a pep talk that you will be receptive to what your partner says even though it may cut deep. And most importantly, you have to commit to doing the work. In the future, Ill talk about some exercises we did. Keep tuning in.
I know I will probably step on some toes with this one. Let me first just say that this is not a post to man bash. Just follow me.
I know I don’t have children but I am always planning ahead, thinking about the future. I like to have thought provoking conversations often. I had a conversation with a guy I was dating. He already had a child. I always found it interesting that men insist on the child having the fathers last name, although he never married the child’s mother.
Anywho, back to his guy. We had a hypothetical conversation one day about us having a child and the child automatically receiving his last name. See, I am kind of opposed to that. Most times, the child lives primarily with the mother if the relationship doesn’t work. The mother is the one going to Drs appts, making and receiving calls, going to the school and is the emergency contact. I don’t know how other mom’s feel, but I don’t want to have 2-3 kids in my house with all different last names. Maybe it doesn’t bother some people. But if the relationship doesn’t work out, and I decide to have children with someone else, then the new guy also feels entitled for my child to have his last name. No sir. This is too complicated for me. So it’s ok for the guy to have all his children having the same last name even if he isn’t the primary parent? It’s actually a conversation that I have with men who I am serious about. I set the standard and let them know that if you want your child to have the same last name as you, then you very well better make sure his/her mother carries that same last name. So it’s on you… partna.
Ooo I’m shaking the table. Leave your comments below 😉