It will be fun they said! I dont know if you have been in this dating scene the last couple of years but its not as fun as you would imagine. This is not only my opinion but the opinion of most of my friends. Maybe dating in our younger years was easier but when you are dating with intention, this comes as a challenge. I dont have the girlfriends who are just dating men to get a free meal. We dont do that. Power to those who do but that’s not us. We can afford to feed ourselves. Honestly. My girlfriends and I are looking for men to have fun with, share experiences and build a genuine connection. Sounds easy but it has been everything but easy.
Lets use some examples shall we?? I will change all names to make sure all identities are protected. Ashley went on a date with a guy. They matched on a dating app. This guy showed up and didnt have any teeth. He literally didnt have any teeth!! Like seriously. Now before you go judging asking how did she miss this? Who at this tender age is thinking someone doesnt have teeth! Lets move on.
Jackie went on two dates with a guy. After the second date, she felt pretty comfortable to invite him in her house for a glass of wine. As they are sitting on the couch talking, he takes her shoe off and attempts to put her big toe in his mouth! This is the second date. Yup.
My friend Brandy was dating a guy. The third date he goes to her house. She asked him what movie did he want to watch. This guy says Pinocchio. Yup no typo. It is the year 2021 and he is well into his 30s and suggest Pinocchio as a movie. Yes she watched it because she said she hadn’t seen it but girl! I should have warned you, that wasn’t it sis. Of course that didn’t work out.
Sometimes you find yourself going on date after date after date with men and it gets beyond exhausting. You have to weed out the weirdos and weed out the guys who just want to have sex. Ill share a personal story. I went on two dates with this guy. He was ok. I was still trying to fill him out. It wasn’t deep chemistry or anything. We had not kissed. Barely touched. The second date, he asked me “What’s the craziest thing you ever said during sex?” Excuse me what sir? Nothing about our interaction should have suggested he should feel comfortable asking that. Nope he didnt make it.
Some of my married friends say they wish they could date again. Ma’am no you do not. This aint what you want.
There has been an outpouring of information and support for people healing their past traumas. I absolutely love it! Time and time again, I see post about people working to break generational curses. Just dont post about it. Be about it. Lets get personal. Although people describe me as a private person, if you ask me, I will give you a straight truthful answer. No matter the subject. That’s how healing works. Its my truth and once I have healed from it, its nothing you can say or do to bring that pain back to me.
Back to the story. While growing up, I always saw my mom with a man. I didnt know how detrimental it was when I was younger of course. But as an adult, I can unpack it. So my mom and my biological father had a toxic relationship. One of the worst I have ever seen in my life. After she broke free of him (and I mean that literally) she stayed with a man. She had an abusive relationship with my bio dad. It really damaged her self worth. Being with a man validated her whole being. I was beyond annoyed by it. When she had a new slick, (got that from my pastor lol) home girl was ALL IN every single time. These men became priority. Somehow and some way these men would still cash out. We had every thing from these men. I was getting gifts galore. They were even buying me pets. One thing I will say, I never went to these men houses. My mom didnt play that. If you were going to play her game, you were going to play by her rules and on her court.
I remember one particular guy. He was a long haul bus driver. You remember back in the day when large families would rent the charter buses for their family reunions or trips? That’s what he did. He had a trip to six flags he was doing for a family and he got me and my mom free tickets. Listen the lady was good ok. It didnt matter. I still hated all these men. They were occupying my moms time. A lot of her time. And I was beyond sick of it.
I saw a glimpse of me going down this path as a teenager. Honey I was boy crazy. Thinking back now, it was bad. Although I wasnt sexual, I literally kept a dude in rotation. Im glad I grew out of that. As an adult, I work really hard to be careful of the men I allow in my space. After every break up, I take time to be by myself. I am intentional about defining my worth in other things. My career, my goals, my family, my spiritual life, my friends and the list goes on. Its not always easy. It takes a strong support system. Reassurance doesnt always have to come from a man. I have the best hype men and women in my life. They keep me grounded. Sending you all encouragement and strength to keep breaking chains. Adulting is rough sometimes. You got this!
“And when I turn into a savage boy don’t ask me why” -Queen Naija
Ladies have you ever just been in that mood? There were times when I felt like why am I being the good girl to just get dealt a bad hand when it came to men. Sometimes you just feel like Eff it then. I’m so bad, that I have a whole playlist just to get me through that mood. My friends know about my playlist and have asked me to send it to them too. My mostly calm friends would say “oh no don’t do that. Don’t listen to that stuff while you’re mad. It’s just going to make things worse.”
Nah. Forget that. Play that playlist sis. That play list will help you remember the pain when you feel like you want company. That playlist will quickly stop you from sending the “I Miss You” text. You might go through a lot of emotions with this playlist. You may be angry one minute and sad the next. Play it anyway. But only for a season.
When that season is over, make a new playlist. Put that one to rest for a while. Playing it too long might make you jaded. It had its purpose. Everything has a season. Even if you are only savage for this season.
Hey yall! Its been a while. So Sorry! Holidays, New Year, activities, volunteering, planning, the list goes on. Lets get to it! Story Time!!
I say all the time that value my relationships. Even ex romantic relationships. Although a romantic relationship may end badly, somehow we still end up being friends years later. Its a gift and a curse. But you have to know how to have good boundaries. Ah boundaries. My favorite. One of my strengths is being a good listener. Chile, these men test my listening skills often. A couple months ago I received a call from an ex that I hadnt heard from in years. I was out with my family but I stepped away to answer it because we hadnt talked in forever. I really just answered to have a 30 second conversation and then tell him I would call him later. NOPE! Homeboy ended up talking about his issues with his children, baby mom issues work issues and the list goes on. How do you call someone and just dump your issues on to them like that?! I was in public so I was choosing my words carefully. Trying not to offend him. Quickly told him I was out with family and that I had to go. Of course he apologized but he also was inconsiderate and didnt ask if I could talk before he unloaded his problems.
Fast forward to a couple days later, he texted me asking if I had time to talk. Ok, better. I responded that we could talk but I did not have the emotional capacity to be his therapist tonight. Boom. Ladies and Gents that is effectively how you set boundaries. The first conversation he caught me off guard. I was prepared this time.
We have to be careful to not others weigh us down. Too many times, my friends and I trade stories about men who will randomly call and then all of sudden you feel weighed down by their problems. I cant carry your emotional baggage sir. I have my own.
I guess youre wondering what did the guy say when I told him I couldnt be his therapist? He said danngg I wasnt calling to do that. Why would you say that? I told him how thats exactly what happened the last time and I wasnt going to allow it to happen again. We talked about other things and the conversation went smoothly.
Setting boundaries doesnt come easy. It takes practice and some feelings may get hurt. Remember to always say things in love and kindness.