Author: B. Hayes

An avid audio book listener, professional listener, and dog mom.

Like you with Limits

by B. Hayes

I’m obviously no stranger to the dating scene. Very well versed actually. I’ve been single for about… well let’s not count. Anyway my core group has noticed some trends in our conversations lately.

Our conversations begin “remember when”? Remember when you used to be so excited to see a guy that you just had to stop by even if only for 5 minutes because you missed him that much? Or “remember when” you would just go out and enjoy spending time together doing a bunch of nothing? Or “remember when” a guy actually liked you and you would meet his family? It’s a lot of things on the list that we remember.. and it just isn’t happening anymore. Oh you think it’s just my friends huh?

Nope, it’s actually a bad cycle happening to everyone. There are tons of tik toks about the disconnection that’s happening in the dating phase. Lots of memes saying “if you aren’t ready for her, just leave her alone”.

The constant cycle

Oh you think the women are man bashing? Nope. A guy made a tik tok saying let’s just get married and we can date after because dating before marriage just isn’t working. 🤣

Everyone is exhausted. Tired. Fed up. Even me. So many people are carrying hurt from life experiences and not giving the next person a clean slate or lacking the mature communication skills to be honest. I also hear there’s a huge lack of vulnerability on both sides.

So everyone is walking around with limits. I can only “like you with a limit” because I’ve seen some things that make my emotions halt. I can’t trust you fully now or be vulnerable. My friend said “I like him but he’s so inconsistent, I can’t go all in.” That has been the experience of a lot of women.

Are you experiencing this too? How’s the dating world where you are?

I can only give the woman’s perspective so men, add your perspective too. 😊

-B

Wifey Duties

by B. Hayes

My new favorite podcast is “Nice and Neat”. They had an episode talking about wifey duties. They usually dont miss the mark but I definitely wanted to grab a mic and interrupt quite a few times. The question was should women do wifey duties for a man who isnt her husband. Of course they said yes. They continue on about how women complain they arent cooking or cleaning for a man before marriage. They say that’s usually what women include in wifey duties. Here is where I would like to add a new perspective. Most of us arent talking about cooking and cleaning when we are discussing wifey duties. Thats surface level. Lets get deeper. We are talking about joining finances and lives. We are saying we arent willing to put our names on shared bills. We arent willing to go half on a house with a boyfriend. We arent willing to be the peacemaker between you and your childs mother. Its way bigger than I dont want to cook or clean for you. Half of us prefer to cook and clean for men. We have to eat ourselves anyway.

On the flip side, men shouldnt be willing to do things for girlfriends when they are their husbands either. Men shouldnt be co-signing for cars, adding her to his medical insurance, and pay large amounts in her bills. I bet most men would say they arent giving the password to their phone to someone who isnt their wife. I know people say well nothing will change after marriage anyway. I dont want that for my life. I want us to level up when we get married. I want to feel like we entered a new dimension when we get married. Be a leader of our household. Take pride in knowing you have a responsibility to take care of your wife. I want to also take pride in taking care of my husband. I know that his favor from God belongs to me. Thats not anything I take lightly. So nah, Im not doing wifey duties before marriage when it includes the list above. Toodles!!

-B

Let’s go on a Therapy Journey

by B. Hayes

I’ve been thinking about going back to therapy for a while now. I had many excuses to keep putting it off. I was busy. I was having fun. It can be expensive. Finding a therapist is challenging. The list goes on. There always seemed to be a hurdle.

I had one major incident that happened and as I was sitting there in tears, I pulled out my computer and said this is it. I gotta get back into therapy now. So I called my insurance and asked how many sessions were included for free. They said 10 and also sent me a list of therapist in my area. (Ask for your EAP benefits) I immediately began calling people. I think I called 2-3 people and didn’t hear back after a few days. I got discouraged again. Complained to my friends.

After about 2 weeks I went on psychologytoday.com and looked up more therapist. I reached out to them. The next day, one lady reached out. She called me and we set up a future call for a consultation. That’s usually how my life works. It’s one path for me. One person. One thing. Alignment. I didn’t get calls from anyone else because this is who I’m supposed to be connected to. Lets go on this journey together in hopes this process can help someone else.

If you don’t know where to start, start at insurance. Call the number on the back of your card. Easy peasy. If you don’t have insurance, most therapist offer an out of pocket cost. That just means you will pay 100 percent of the session yourself. If the sessions are too expensive, ask if they offer a sliding scale. ❤️ Here’s to happy healing 🥂

Don’t Settle for Safe

by B. Hayes

There’s a new show on Netflix that has my wheels spinning. The main character Billy finds herself in a safe loving marriage with 2 kids. She starts to reminisce about her wild days in the city as a graduate student when she could stay out all night and still attend class in the morning. Present day, she starts to journal about her deep thrilling romance with her ex and how exhilarating she felt when she was with him. She struggles internally with trying to find solace and appreciation for her current marriage and new mom life. She feels lost and not of herself. She spends countless hours thinking and obsessing about her ex. You can feel her frustration of herself through the screen. She has it all. Handsome husband, 2 kids, big house, wealth, cars, you name it. She just cant seem to figure out after 8 years why she is obsessing about a love that is long lost.

Here’s my take on it. I havent reached the end of the show so I dont know how its going to play out but follow along. Life gets very routine with running a household, taking care of the kids and having a husband. People get upset when women complain that a man is boring but provides everything else. Life should still be fun, exciting and thrilling even in a marriage. She lost herself. She looked in the mirror and couldnt understand how things got to that point. She missed the spice. She missed the moments of unpredictability. But she felt like she couldnt complain to her husband because he was providing such a good life. When the husband found out, he said he was her safe option. That he was the good boy for her. I can see his point in that.

Dont get me wrong, I’m not saying she wants the “bad boy” either, she just wants to feel alive again. Fulfilled. Im no expert but life is about balance. Some women want the guy who is gentle and takes care of her heart but also with a little edge. Just like men say they want a freak in sheets and lady in the streets. Same concept. We just dont have a catchy phrase lol

Continue reading “Don’t Settle for Safe” →

Gloomy but I’m Grateful

by B. Hayes

Holidays can be extremely difficult for me. Some years, I breeze on through. Other years, whew I can barely make it. This holiday season seems to be “I can barely make it.” As a child, holidays felt fun, free, exciting.. as an adult.. not so much.

For Thanksgiving, I was going back and forth trying to decide whether to travel or stay home. A part of me was excited, duh, travel of course. The day of, I was not prepared for my emotions that would soon come. As soon as I opened my eyes, I instantly felt the absence of my mom for the holiday. Even through bouts of sadness and tears, I pressed on.

That night, while in a room full of people, I held back tears multiple times. Fighting to say present; to be grateful. I was aware that I was the only one showing up without a significant other or kids. Just me. Again. No parents, no significant other and no kids. Stay present, I kept reminding myself.

As I reflected over the night, I realized I was in a space where gratefulness and sadness both existed. And although it could be worse, I definitely wished it was better 😊

-B

So You Say I’m Just a Friend??

by B. Hayes

The latest conversation on social media is “should you have friends of the opposite gender while in a relationship?” My initial answer is yes, you should have friends of the opposite gender. I have always been able to have great platonic relationships with men. It has worked in my favor most times. There have been countless times where I needed the male perspective. It’s evident that men and women don’t always speak the same language.

I was having a conversation with a male friend. He agrees having platonic friends of the opposite gender is important. He said if he mentions to his guy friends that he’s having relationship issues, they will likely brush it off and encourage him to go out, which may lead to talking to other women.

But having a female friend that he trust would encourage the opposite. She’s going to tell you the consequences of your actions.

My brother was sharing with me the other day a conversation he was having with a woman. He was a little frustrated with her response. I said what she’s trying to say is “I’m being vulnerable and this is hard for me. You didn’t meet me emotionally when I was vulnerable so I’m taking it back”. He said mannn that’s all she had to say lol. Again men and women don’t speak the same language.

Have there been times where a friend might cross a boundary? Of course. But I will communicate that offense and take a step back from the friendship if I need to.

I encourage you to get a good trusting friend. Honestly, it will help shape and shift your perspective. Tell me what you think in the comments.

-B

Please Don’t Terminate this Pregnancy

by B. Hayes

My new favorite podcast to watch or listen to is “Know For Sure” with B Simone and her best friend Megan. I get exhausted with the constant relationship talk so this podcast is a good break. In one episode, B Simone and Megan get really deep.

They begin to recount how B Simone decided to terminate her pregnancy. B Simone vividly recalls the people outside, her emotions and the noises. She says there was an intense moment where she tells Megan to just look at her and don’t take her eyes off of her.

As Megan tells her perspective, she reveals that she never agreed with her best friend for terminating the pregnancy. She discusses how judgmental she felt but had to put her feelings to the side.

Here is what I’ve been learning as I get older. We are now in place where making permanent decisions like these will for sure alter the trajectory of our lives. Personally, it’s always such an internal battle to watch a close friend make a life altering decision if I strongly disagree with it. As I watched the segment, I admired Megan’s support although in disagreement. Megan said she didn’t give her opinion because her mind was made up. There wasn’t any room to convince her.

I thought that was very profound and a good take away. Support your friends when their mind is made up without giving your unsolicited opinion.

How do you handle supporting your friends when you don’t agree with their decisions?

-B

Dont Sink This Ship

by B. Hayes

Hey Fam! Its been a while. Forgive me. Hope all is well! Lets skip the small talk. Myself and a couple others were having a side bar with our pastor the other day about pre-marital counseling. Of course he dropped some gems that I have to share. He talked about his own experience with pre-marital counseling before his marriage. He said he had a lot to work on before the commitment. He revealed that he was a mess and had to work through his abandonment issues, anxiety, and depression. He continued that although everyone comes to the table with their issues, some issues with inevitable sink the ship. That is for sure a word!

Im all for working things through and fighting through storms together but some things we must work through and heal before getting into relationship with people. As the old saying stands true, “Hurt people, hurt people.” Lets not get five years into our marriage and try to fix this broken foundation that should have been solid from the start. You know what Im going to say… go to therapy. It works if you do the work. I promise you!

Until next time…

-B

Healthy Friendships ALL 2022

by B. Hayes

I love the maturity that’s happening in my friendships. Friendships can be just as much work as romantic relationships. What I learned is, sometimes your friends dont need your advice. I try really really hard not to give my unsolicited advice to my friends. You can be an active listener and be supportive without giving advice. One of my friends always makes a joke and says “I literally have to ask you for your opinion or you will be on mute.” Listen I’ve been through a couple of friendship break ups and I don’t have the emotional capacity anymore to break up with nobody’s daughter!

I dont know when this started but recently I noticed my friends and I will call each other and say “What are you doing because I just need to vent.” Pay attention to these words because that’s an indication of saying Im not asking for advice, just listen. The key is to really listen to what they need in the moment. You will also know when they need advice too. My sister will say “Now listen to this story and tell me if I’m wrong.” Thats is clear that she wants advice. Sometimes it’s not clear and I have to say are you asking for my opinion?

Am I the drama??

One thing we need to be ok with, is not knowing. I try not to make up an opinion if I dont have one. My favorite line is girl dont ask me because I dont know. Especially about these men and relationships. Girl dont ask me because I dont know. Just the blind trying to lead the blind. Trying these techniques are not easy. Its hard because we are protective over our friends but my friendships mean a lot to me and I like to keep it that way.

Tell me what you think in the comments!

-B

It Feels Like “Me” Season

by B. Hayes

I met up with a friend who came into town. I literally haven’t seen him in years. I knew he would come to my city sometimes, but we would never link up. One day we were finally able to get together after years of not hanging out. It was really like we never missed a beat. We could talk for hours if we had the time.

After we were heading out for the night, I told him to let me know any time he’s around so we could hang out. He said something to me that made me have an epiphany. He said oh I don’t know you in this light to always hang out. He said I only know you inside of a relationship where you go to work, grind and go home. Yup he’s right.

Women always talk about losing themselves in a relationship. This is how that happens. I wasn’t going out as much as I do now. I also didn’t have as many local friends as well. But I became used to a routine. I was still trying to find my niche. I worked really hard to get here.

One of my girlfriends is in the same space now. But she’s doing it right. She was able to recognize that she desired a life outside of her relationship. She communicated this to her partner and is actively working to hang out more and do the things she enjoys outside of him. The knowledge we gain as we nature is so amazing. Cheers to doing more of what we desire in 2022!

-B